My Resume

I'm a junior in college and it's getting close to that time when I'm going to be ejected from the safety of my parents home and undergraduate classes, and forced to figure what I want for my life.  For years I have been participating in activities and flourishing at school to prepare for my future.  But now that my future is literally right around the corner I realize that I do not have the experience to live in the real world.
Today, I was attempting to create a resume so that I could apply for internships and jobs for this summer when I realized that I have lived on this earth for 21 years and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. 
I have done nothing to indicate that I belong in the professional world.
A traditional resume starts with your education.  In this portion I would right that I graduated from Copiague High School (a less than decent Long Island high school) and that I attend St. John's University (with an average GPA.) As for awards and scholarships, I received honor roll my freshman and sophomore year of high school, and a journalism award my senior year, and I also receive a $12,000 scholarship to St. Johns. 
With education, it is customary to include a list of extracurricular activities.  In high school I was cheerleader captain (of a horrible squad) editor of the school paper (a really bad paper) and a member of the color guard team (which was always over shadowed by the award winning band we performed next team.)  At St. Johns I write for the newspaper and am a valued member of Kappa Phi Beta (which is a notorious party sorority.)
Next on the resume would be work experience.  I worked at Adventureland (a Long Island amusement park) for two summers and I worked at TJMaxx (a gross discount clothing store) for four years.
Then if you have any special skills, it is normal to put that on your resume as well.  Such as how many words you type a minute, or PowerPoint, excel, and Microsoft word experience.  However, for my special skills I should just write sex, because that is something I'm really good at.
Actually if I wanted to be honest....my resume would look a little more like this:

I have smoked bud, I blew lines, I've taken E, I've also taken numerous pain killers.  I started drinking when I was 15 and the problem has just progressed.  I go to St. Johns where I live right around the corner from a bar.  I'm a double major in partying and sex.  In fact I've probably had sex with more guys then there are letters in the alphabet.  So am I hired?